Twerking Brings in Fuckboys @DannyZoucha

Let me first clarify this statement, if I may: If you are happily married and are shaking that ass for your husband. Keep skakin’, girl. Blessings.

Now, for the rest of you…

Girlfriends, I love you. I am such a lover of the female sex. I can appreciate it all. My own wife? She’s slender, but got a booty that won’t quit. She’s the petite pear, and I looooooove it. But hey, if you’re a stalk of celery, a tomato, an apple, or an hourglass; younger, older, it don’t matter. I can find myself attracted to you.

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It is not for my sake that I think the twerking should stop. It’s for your own. If you haven’t checked up on my post addressing the “gentlemen” of the world, maybe you should start there. If you want to blast forth into brave new territory, however, read on.

Honey, you know who you’re gonna snag shakin’ that booty? Prince Charming, that’s who. Yep. He’s gonna love on you. Bring you flowers. Treat you nice. Not screw around behind your back. Be just that side of clingy and just this side of disinterested. (The perfect distance.) Furthermore, he’s gonna bring your shaking ass back home to Mama and she’s gonna smile at him over the sweet potato pie she whipped up for the occasion and tell him what a good boy he is for findin’ a girl so good.

Who do you think you’re fooling?!

Baby girl, if my wife had “just given it up”, as Bobby Jayne’s character in the-amazing-and-still-favourite-teen-movie-of-all-time Can’t Hardly Wait suggested, it woulda gone nowhere. Why? Because the future mother of my children ain’t no ho! That’s why!

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Sugar, you gotta make him work for it. It builds character! Plus, he’ll hang around and discover that the real you is awesome. And if he doesn’t, THEN HE’S NOT THE RIGHT ONE!

Mr. Right Now sucks. And if you wonder why you keep attracting f*ckboys, it’s because that ass won’t quit. It’s like a tractor beam. It sucks ‘em in like a Dyson V6.

Your ass ain’t the only thing you have going for you, though I’m sure it’s divine. And truly, if you think your body is the only way to snag a man, you got bigger things to worry about than sculpting that booty.

Good girls shape great men, because potentially great men pick good girls for the job.

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