There was a time when I was staunchly against Yuppiedom. I wouldn’t subscribe to it. I was “too cool and in touch with myself” to do most of the stuff that Yuppies do, citing my own self-confidence as the reason I didn’t need to do any of those things that might make my life better. Like what?
Like whitening my teeth.
Sounds simple, but after dozens of coffees a week, not to mention red wine, and anything black I might decide to force into my mouth for unknown reasons…
*eyebrow raises slowly…*
…like licorice – the teeth tend to show more than you might like of… brown. Not what you want to see looking you square in the face when you check your reflection in the mirror, or egotistically seek out your (and only your) face in any picture containing at least one person. (I really can’t stand it when there’s a totally decent picture of someone, and it’s not me. #bummer. Like, seriously, what did you even take this picture for?? *angrily tears it to shreds*)
I’m kind of brown in the skin. I really don’t mind being brown. With my golden skin and brown/gold hair, I tend to be able to fit in most places south of the equator, which has proven beneficial. However, I don’t need to be representing gold (brown) all over. And, definitely not in my mouth. But, how am I to remedy this situation?
Whiten, my teeth?! You mean like (whispers) the Yuppies do?? No. NO! There was a time when I would absolutely nail myself to the cross of non-Yuppiedom, probably because I somewhat confused the term with “Hippies”, something I grew up hating thanks to Cartman on South Park, and something I grew into being thanks to my wife. (Hello? Long hair. Necklaces. Free love. All that crap. I’m like a hippie posterchild on a hippie postcard mailed from Hippieville. a.k.a., Nimbin, NSW.) But, now I’ve got another problem…
Hippies & Yuppies
How can I be a Hippie and a Yuppie at the same time? Aren’t they like, polar opposites?
Thinking this to be the case, I went on wearing outrageously expensive hemp sandals, long messy hair, and keeping myself clean with only the finest, non-invasive, free range, organic crystal essence soaps that keep you feeling fresh for exactly two minutes post-shower. I drove dumpy cars because, “Hey man, maybe you need a new car, but not me. Capitalist pig, bastard! Wish I could ride a goat! Screw the West! Gimme some Middle East!”
And with all these things came less-than-white teeth. Strange as it is, no matter how many strawberries I eat or how much I swish with virgin, cold-pressed coconut oil, my teeth just can’t stand the onslaught of colored food and drink that I subject them to. See, they’re not nailing themselves to any white-as-the-new-fallen-snow crosses, either. They’d just as soon absorb all the nastiness from red wine and coffee. Leftovers for later, I guess. (I literally just made myself retch in my mouth. That is such an horrific thought. Nasty-ass teeth. Consider yourselves reprimanded! )
So, what’s a boy to do?
How I Learned to Stop Worrying & Be a Yuppie
It all started when I began receiving a bit of attention for… being me. I don’t want to alarm you, but the blog post you’re reading now was written by a guy who is kind of a big deal. No shit. People like me. People with lots of followers like me. Hence, my follower-count steadily grows. (Don’t be left behind! Follow me now! Quick! Before it’s too late!)
Now, the crowd with which I run are kind of visible. Your self-helpers; your personal-growthers. Your Peters Voogd. Your Rileys Dayne, your Prestons Smiles, your Carols Tuttle, your Alexis Panos, your Grants Cardone and your Joels Brown. These are my peeps. Matter of fact, Christmas comes this year in August, because towards the end of it I’m teaming up with C-Tutts (Carol Tuttle) herself to do a little collaborative Facebook Live thingy from Utah. Should be fun. Make a note of it right now to tune in. (Go follow Carol, she’ll keep you posted. Follow me, too. Cause, I’m needy.)
So, while I look across the pretty, pretty faces of my contemporaries, I note one thing in common: Excruciatingly white teeth. Instagram is everything nowadays. It’s where I spend most of my time. And since it’s all about pictures, what do you think they take pictures of? Themselves! And Lordy Lord! Nothin’ looks quite so bad as a brown-toothed selfie. You ain’t got an arm long-enough to get away from that snaggle-toothed grin.
Now, I have it on very good authority that Preston Smiles doesn’t drink. (He told me.) If he doesn’t drink alcohol, he probably doesn’t drink red wine – it being a form of aforesaid alcohol. And, if he doesn’t drink alcohol, he probably doesn’t drink coffee. (They kind of go together as equally offensive drinks o’ sin with that crowd – one for the day, one for the night.) And, if he doesn’t drink, then that means that Alexi (his pretty, pretty wife in shining armor) don’t hit the sauce either. And, since they’re both tight with Joel Brown, odds are looking quite in favor that he wouldn’t drink, either. Birds of a feather, right?
(Although, on a personal note, if J.B. doesn’t drink, he’s got to turn in his Australian papers right now! I am officially a citizen, and I will not stand for such a flying spit-in-the-face of, apparently, everything for which Australia stands.)
((Althouuuuuugh, I also have it on very good authority (he told me) that Joel Brown would happily sit down to a coffee with yours truly when next I’m in Perth. (Never been to Perth, but believe me, with an offer like that on the coffee table, who can resist? Clear the guest room, Joel. My son has a lot of LEGO.) So, maybe he does drink both coffee and alcohol. Hmmm. I realize that I’m now flying headlong down a bunny trail, but I really don’t care because it has allowed me to drop so very many names along its winding path.))
Back to the tooth thing. The reason I tell you about Preston, Alexi and Joel’s probable non-drinking habits is that they have all the tools necessary to have white teeth, which are: a lack of coffee intake, and a lack of red wine intake. These are the basic fundamentals of white teeth: Don’t drink red wine. Don’t drink coffee. (Or tea, really.) Simple as that. If I could package that as a tooth-whitening kit, I’d do it and sell it for $100 because it’s worth every damn penny.
I, on the other hand, do drink coffee. I, on the other hand, do drink red wine. I enjoy the finer things and I enjoy them flush with tannins. (That’s the stuff that makes your teeth funko.) So, what am I to do? Yes, I run with the crowd. Yes, they’re my peeps. But, we must stop short if I’m being called upon to give up that which giveth so much pleasure.
The cure? Yuppie it up with some tooth whitening strips.
Crest 3D White Luxe
Look, I don’t blame you. Even I was skeptical at the $43 price tag on these babies. But, buy them I did. I was willing to gamble. Life’s too short, right? Gotta take the plunge. At least I could chalk up the poor result as experie….OMG!! MY TEETH ARE WHITE!!
Yep. I shit you not. That was all it took. One box. Well, two boxes. Soon as my wife caught wind that I’d finally released my final vestige of resistance to Yuppiehood, she was all in. She veritably pounced on them like she’d been waiting for this moment her whole life. (Here we were, both of us thinking that it was the other person keeping us firmly entrenched in old ways of thinking!) So, we shared the first box, and got amaze-balls results, and then got the second box and holy hell, we were (and when I say “we were”, I really mean “she was”) literally stopped on the footpath by photographers wanting to take our (okay, her) pictures. That may have had something to do with the fact that my wife shaved her head and dyed the remaining hair white, but ya know. Whatever.
Who is Yuppiedom available to? Everyone! With the economy the way it is, and Amazon delivering in two days, no one has an excuse not to get on the Yuppie train. It’s time. It’s time to have white teeth. It’s time to buy expensive cars from capitalist pigs. It’s time to demand namebrand clothing. (Not really, I still shop at Target. Nevermind.)
The point is, you can have the million-dollar smile for $43. What are you waiting for? (Except photographers to randomly appear begging to take your photo. FYI: You may want to shave your head and bleach the remaining hair for that to happen. Results may vary.)
Much love to all my contemporaries! Alexi! Riley! Preston! Joel! Peter! Grant! And let’s not forget, @CarolTuttle! Can’t wait to see you in August. It’s gonna be #epic. Stay tuned!